Really 2:30 am

Yes it is really 2:30 am and I'm awake... major life decisions always take away my already crummy ability to sleep. Of course I try the regular stuff - calming music, clearing my mind (that of course is the problem - it just won't stop), stemming on my hair, then pacing. For those of you unfamiliar with stemming that is a fancy term for something you do over and over, like in a meeting if I'm not doodling on something, I'm clicking my pen, or bouncing my leg. Children with autism stem a ton and that bothers people, what people don't know is that they themselves stem just no one has bothered to point it out to them or it doesn't bother other people. Or as in my case I learn to make it something acceptable - doodling in a meeting rather than bouncing all over the place or clicking a pen. So there is a short lesson on stemming - how do you stem in your life?

I'm worried that's why I'm here. I know I need/want to get out of Benson. Benson hasn't been the best place in the world for myself or my kids. I have some options - great house in Rita Ranch and a great house in Whetstone. The advantage of the Whetstone house is that it is about 20 minutes closer to my dad and has a huge back yard, but no garage, very little extra storage for teaching crap that will probably never be used again - on an aside I have considered piling it all up and taking some gasoline and a match to it, but that would need the help of my brother and case of beer. The advantage of the house in Rita Ranch is that it is absolutely beautiful and is in a fantastic school district, one of the best in the state. The disadvantage is that it is an additional 30 minutes away from my dad compared to where I currently live. It is also in the "city" which I haven't really decided if that is a plus or a minus... still thinking on that one.

Of course I can always stay here. The advantage to that would be that Lorenzo could actually finish kindergarten in the same school he started the year. I could actually build up an emergency fund and the rent is cheep... but lots of memories and people that I don't want to see, don't want to answer too..."I noticed you aren't at the school anymore are you still working there?" I hate that question even now that I have a rehearsed answer and quickly walk the other way - just that everyone knows so much about my life bothers me...or they think they know so much about my life when they really don't know shit, because they have never taken the time to find out and they judge me anyway. That I won't miss.

So after this thinking on our new type of paper... I will go and look at that Whetstone house in the morning even though I had myself almost talked out of it and see where it leads me... see how it feels. The house in Rita Ranch had a very good feel and I'm just waiting to hear back from them... so I guess it looks like I'm moving somewhere afterall... the deal is just where.

My brother paces like a caged animal to stem... I'll go back to my meditation music and hair. There would be rum and coke if I didn't have just 3 days to lose those final couple of pounds. Good thing I have trained myself not to eat when I'm stemming - I used to... besides that there isn't any food to stem on since food stamps don't come in until the 6th... it is slim pickings around here unless you like carrots, which I do.... but I'm thinking not at 2:44 am.

Hope you all slept well and thanks for listening.

Peace,
G