Please Just Don't Pee on my Pants

The trials, tribulations and successes of a teacher on her own journey towads independence.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

New Thinking

Time for new thinking I suppose although I don't know what it will end up being, perhaps a lot of nothing, or a lot of something that gives others something to think about. That is my goal after all... to get others thinking about something, besides what is on tv or what if for dinner. Life a bit beyond their immediate world.

Being a stay at home mom has changed who I am, do I dare say I'm a bit more like Mom then I used to be. I clean the kitchen cabinets now and the banister railing on the stairs... I look for smudges on the doors that used to go completely un-noticed but now with time on my hands absolutely drive me crazy. My sister of course says these are good changes - things that need to be done and I know she is right, but when I was working 60 to 70 hours a week... something had to give besides my sanity - it feels good to get caught up and not have to look at the smudge level my 6 year old leaves where ever he goes... he is a bit like the old pig-pen from snoopy days, getting him to take a bath - well let's just say it is a challenge. I refuse to bribe him or pay him for it, which he of course thinks is insane. I of course think it is insane that he would actually think I would pay him for a bath. Perhaps he will be a rich man some day, but not off of his mama.

Taking time for myself - now there is some new thinking that I'm actually liking. I enjoy reading when I can find something decent to read, which I haven't lately. Been reading a lot of Christian work but need something else for a bit that is more of escape than a travel into the depths of my soul and spirit and the meaning of my existance. But it has given me a time to recover from anger and hurts of the past, dare say forgiven things I never thought I would; and still working on forgiving things that are more recent and are still staring me in the face. I work on those things, contemplate how to move on and where to find the forgiveness in my heart for other's jackass moves (at least in my opinion). I have to be careful there since the slopes are slippery and I can easily fall into the self-pity and blaming myself for things that really don't have much to do with me.

Painting... haven't done much of that... even though it is a peaceful place for me to go, to put paint to paper hasn't drawn me in, I'm sure it will soon or paint to my table that desperately needs something done to it.

Exercise seems to have become a new passion of mine... I know - it scares me too. I actually enjoy walking the dog and most mornings look forward to picking him up from my ex's and off we go. If I'm not looking forward to it before I go; just seeing his (the dog's) excitement makes me feel good about the 3 miles ahead of us. Then taking a break and doing the three miles at home. Now if I can just figure out how to get rid of the baby fat around my stomach I'd be doing great... my 13 year old son of course who knows all about fitness tells me I need to do at least 100 sit-ups a day and 50 push ups... I just laugh - I can visualize myself doing them, but that just doesn't seem to get the job done. I don't think that is fair...

So those are my thoughts as I finish my break and my beer and head off to the bathroom to honestly scrub the floor in places that probably haven't seen soap in a while since the mop misses them... yes those spots are driving me crazy as well. Mom would be so proud that I've finally figured out how to clean... my ex would of course still say I don't do anything right. To one I say I got it mom... to the other I would say go fuck yourself.


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