We were driving home from mama's mountain, had an almost flat tire and had to stop out in the middle of no where at a garage to get the tire fixed. The mechanic said that yes, he would get around to it, but it was going to be a while. I'm like great - now what are we going to do? Wait... no other choice really. So we went to the store that was next door got some water and snacks for the kids... and waited... So while sitting at the mechanic's desk I start reading the wall and come across this quote:
"Sometimes you have to give up who you are; to become who you are meant to be."
I found that interesting and wrote it down so that I could ponder it when I had time. Today I decided was time to ponder... so this is what that quotes tells me... I'm sure it will mean something different to anyone, that is what quotes are suppose to do... make you think...
Who I was... I guess once I settled into being a teacher that is who I was. I was defined by my job and my work. That simply ran my life. People still ask "What do you do?" I used to know an answer to that question and would say "I teach." What is my answer now is something left to be because I am in the process of leaving who I was to become who I will be. And I kind of like the idea of being just me... undefined by any terms, not able to be labeled, not fitting into any one's box - just so I can screw with society perhaps... maybe I should have been a sociology major and studied the effects of non-box fitters on the common society - but then I would be my work again instead of having the freedom to be me... and that is what I crave - to just be, like an eagle in the sky, soaring, flying, breathing...
It is an odd place to find oneself - not knowing from day to day, yet an adventure at the same time because i have the freedom to be me; which so many people give up in order to be who they are. It can become a tangled mess - that I get - and it can be a chase around in a circle, but there is also the possibility that within that quote lies the meaning to all life; our purpose here serving God and loving other people. So many people don't get the concept of loving others, even those right next door. I remember growing up I knew everyone in every house on our block. Now I don't even know the names of the people who live around me in my apartment building.
The idea of being alone, really alone, used to bother me and I guess that there are times it still does. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to watch something stupid on TV with, or have3 someone to wrap their arms around me in bed at night so that I can listen to them breathe until I fall asleep; but those things aren't necessary to who I am meant to be and to do for the world what I am here to do... to make people think about themselves in a way they never thought possible before. For people to look at others through different lenses then they even knew existed. Do I know how to do that? No, but I'm on a journey to somewhere and along the way I'm sure to meet some very interesting travelers that have stories to tell if I stop long enough to listen. Even sitting and listening, really listening to the stories of other people - not from their words; but from a deeper place deep in their soul where the true meaning lies; the truth which they are too scared to share; the place where the unimaginable is possible. That we are so the same that we can no longer judge one another against any standard, but most importantly against each other or even one's self.
Does that mean I live in a cheap house in the desert with my dog? That way beats the mansion on the hill that one has to work 80 hours a week to maintain and never gets the chance to sit down in their own living room and listen to the silence of their house, or listen to the laughter and breathing of the people they love that are around them... if the people stuck around long enough to even still be there.
See when you get down to the brass tacks of life... it is all based on relationships with other people, good or bad, lessons learned or opportunities lost - it is the interplay between the characters we meet in life that leave us where we are; yet take us to where we are going both at the same time.
My brother just called tonight and reminded me... it doesn't matter what you have, it matters who you are. What you stand for, what your beliefs are and who you have walking with you along your path. I think about my own worn out furniture and Target shelves and can easily be swept up in the purchase new and conquer the consumer market of others... or... I can sit at night and listen to the sounds my house makes, breathe, and know that I don't have to play the world's experiment anymore, because I have finally figured it out. I have people walking along my path with me that understand and accept me for the unique individual that I am; because let's face it I have never fit into the normal, main stream of America. My life started out on a different path from the moment I took my first breath... just interesting how many years it can take one to discover and accept that - to give up the reality they exist in; so that they can be in the reality that brings them peace and closeness to God is a good place to be.
So why is the theory of that quote so difficult to achieve... because we like what we know is safe and letting go is scary - not a place most people want to be on a daily basis with their life. Most people don't want to have the time look within themselves and examine what in their heart really is their place; for there may be nothing there in order to develop an answer. And the thing is... we are always looking for the answer when what we really need to be focused on is the journey. For in the end, in reality the journey is all we ever really had.
I wonder if that is what Thereau did all those years ago... by that pond, just sit and contemplate... about what... about everything, every breath, every leaf, every breeze through the trees about the human endeavor.
I like to think about the interplay between nature and man; particularly animals and people. I find a very strong connection to animals and my life so much more complete when they are a part of my existence - being away from them makes me sick at some level - down in the heart, which leads to down in the head and that for me, isn't a good place to be; and it isn't a good place to be because it doesn't allow me to be free with those that I love and cherish.
I also find it interesting how certain people weave back and forth within one's life. Not even friends at some point necessarily, but then suddenly there again in center stage, in the midst of your thoughts when you aren't being guarded and you actually let your shield down. Then there are those you knew so many years ago, childhood friends... in Libya no less that you get to reconnect with if even for the briefest little while - from all ends of the world - the thought that your lives touched in such a way that the meaning they left on you or you left on them had more impact than time can erase... ah and the great ability to have been able to do so without leaving any scars - only love. How does one live a life in such a way - perhaps that should be my goal between now and the time I die. Leave loving marks everywhere, but no scars. One has to be a very open person, not afraid to risk the rejection and judgment of the world... Is that the walk that Jesus himself walked? And if so who am I to compare myself to him? Except for the idea that he wants us to follow in his path and live as he lived to the best of our ability. That idea of mine so many years ago... of the flutterby (as mom would say)... I just flutter by your life leaving you changed in some way that words cannot be put to; just a feeling, an emotion; without the scar of having been loved and left.