Please Just Don't Pee on my Pants

The trials, tribulations and successes of a teacher on her own journey towads independence.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Grandma's Mountain

Mom has been on the other side since 2000. Lorenzo was born in 2003. The last time I went up the mountain to visit my mom was before Lorenzo was born; at least that is the last time I remember. But today I went... yep - loaded up the crazy doberman and we went for a hike/climb up the mountain. The terrain isn't bad; unless as my dad says "you could get a job as a sidewalk checker" since anything more than 1/4 of an inch causes me to trip - I really am the graceful. How I ever managed to play soccer, running with the ball and passing is beyond me; or swinging a baseball bat or playing catcher. Perhaps it is the more complex motions of life that I'm good at and when it comes to simple walking my brain just goes somewhere else. Well taken my gracefulness, a mind full of things I wanted to share with mom, add in the increase in my meds and it truly is amazing I got off that mountain alive.

You know what they say around here "never hike by yourself"... I do it all the time. I used to go with Dad when he could go - now it is just me and the hyper dog from another planet. Part of the way there is a trail to follow, but once it comes to climbing the mountain - one is on their own. I know the general direction I need to go; but the terrain has changed a lot in the last six years. Branches blocking my way; and bear grass - I hate bear grass... I suppose I wouldn't hate it so much if I wore jeans instead of capri's to hike in ... kind of a duh moment for me today. Despite all the times I turned around because I got myself trapped and despite all the times I almost twisted my ankle and body out of alignment I made up to Grandma.

I checked to see if here beer was still there and her smokes - they were, but not in the best shape. I thought next time I need to bring her new stuff and some yellow roses. It was always yellow roses between mom and I. Don't know why it just was. With everyone of my babies mom sent yellow roses... something I guess one just does when the other is in the hospital - who knows, but it always meant so much to me... like giving someone a vase full of sunshine and a dash of hope to go along with it. That was after all mom.

I knew she had some things to say to me so I was prepared when the first thing I heard was "see - you should have listened to your mom"... I know mom. I should have, but I didn't I was too busy trying to save a bad marriage. She of course knows that and I of course know that bringing a sweet, innocent child into a crappy marriage isn't going to save it. I knew it back then too, but thought, hoped it would be enough for him to care about.

In the end Mom moved on from "see" to let me know I'm finally on the right track... which is amazing; because Mom was the queen of criticism. The only other thing she told me to get my act together on was self medicating myself when I run out of meds. I told her I didn't under stand the big deal... she self medicated her whole life; as does Rob... he comment... see - see - where did that get her. So I promise to take my meds. She is happy with me and my choice of boyfriend and apologized for pushing other things so hard. I tell her it is OK... we all do what we think is best for each other and in the meantime the world keeps spinning.

I promised to come more than once every 5 years and she promised to let the things she said see about today fade away - she just wanted to know that I processed my crap to get on with life... and was happy to see that I was actually getting on with life in many new ways and on many new roads...

What an absolutely fabulous day.


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