Please Just Don't Pee on my Pants

The trials, tribulations and successes of a teacher on her own journey towads independence.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Dark Recess of the Mind and BiPolar Disorder

Usually my goal is to make light of my mental disability called Bi Polar 3, but today is a day to take a look at the dark side of the disorder. Yes, I am mentally ill. Yes, it has made it so at least for the time being I can no longer do the work I love so much. Yes, it has put me in the hospital three times in the last year - one stay for four days the others for ER sucidial watch. It means regular visits to the psychiatrist. It means trying different medications and trying to find a combination that works best to control the highs and lows of the disorder.

The lows look like me curled up on the floor in the fetal position crying for hours. There is no consouling me during these times, often my mind is unreachable as I'm no longer in control of my thinking processes. Is there an emergency plan in place in my house so when this happens we are all taken care of? Yes, it is called -get on the phone with my one and only best friend and get her ass down here as fast as possible; in the mean time my 11 year old daughter gives me my anti-anxiety medication to slow down my mind and allow myself to breath although I still stay on the floor crying.

Other times the lows are more dangerous and I have to stay in my room. I cannot go into the kitchen because I can't trust myself around knives. Or I can't even drive myself to the doctor because I know I won't get there or get home. These types of days hardly ever happen when my children are around as I know they can't see me in that type of situation or be involved in that kind of situation. So far I have been able to control those feelings. Is there an emergency plan in place for these days... yes it is to get on the phone with my one and only best friend and give me the phone until she can talk me back down. Sometimes that takes an hour other times it takes half a day.

Do all people with Bi-Polar disorder suffer in the same way that I do. NO! But there is a specgtrum we all fall on and we all suffer in different ways. It is a disabling disorder that I'm still struggling to accept into my life. I fight it every day... some days I win, some days I lose. Mostly I wish it didn't have to be a part of who I have become. It is always triggered by a tragic moment in one's life although there is a biological predisposition. I have chosen to treat my disability with medication... my brother chooses to treat his disability with alcohol - luckily for him it has not interfered with his ability to work. My mom, bless her, chose to self-medicate with alcohol as well, costing her several jobs that were close to her heart.

Ways I also deal with the down days - I want to shop, I want to spend money and it doesn't matter what on. It is a hard battle to try not to meet my emotional need in this way as it really screws up bills, rent and daily living. Then there is moving, bi-polar people move much more often then people with out bi-polar in the hopes to get away from the hauntings of the mind and it works briefly; but they always return.

I try my best to be kind and loving and helpful to all people, but there are days I cannot even get out of bed. There were days I watched my mother crawl to the bathroom. There are days, even with my three beautiful children, that I wish my life would end.


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