Please Just Don't Pee on my Pants

The trials, tribulations and successes of a teacher on her own journey towads independence.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Anger, Frustration, Bitterness or Moving On

I think when one is attacked in some way or another for there are thousands of ways to be attacked. In my particular case, unemployment even though I was the senior person on board, losing my ranch, selling my horses, just in order to file bankruptcy, then learning to accept from other people, living in low income housing where my kids are actualy safe and the appartment actually meets our needs. Oh yes and lets through a hospital visit and divorce in there just to round out the whole mess.

Sometimes I'm angry because I think other people did these things to me. When I'm rational (usually) I know that the choices (mostly but not all mine) have lead me to this road where I am at. So here is frustration - not wanting to take responsibility for all that has happened since I sincerely don't believe it is all my doing. So am I avoiding responsibility or are there times when others just mess with our lives to their benefit.

Then bitterness - that was my place today. Not bitter toward my self. Bitter toward my ex boss for talking me out of a job interview to teach thrid grade at a good school in Sierra Vista, which I'm sure I would get... and then getting laid off 2 weeks later - of course the job was gone. So I'm working on not being bitter.. I think I'm past frustration and past anger, but bitterness still knocks on my door on a regular basis... oh and yes let me not forget his comforting words earlier when I was in the hospital that my job was being cut by 2/3 and so was my pay... while I was in the hospital - and I still felt loyalty to this man - how many time should one have to be kicked in the head before they figure out the situation.

Then anger at my ex husband (JBJ - John the Bastard Jackass) for the abuse he put myself and my children through. The begging him to leave the ranch so that the kids and I wouldn't have to move - he of course refused... so I packed up the kids sold the horses and moved... life was changing. Now of course he has a new truck and is mvoing into a new double wide manufactured home. Frustration raged when I found that all out - did I think about throwing rocks through the windows of his new, soon to be moved into home - you bet I did... but that would have taken a lot of alcohol and I would have been in jail since the whole damn town knows me.

So moving on to bitterness - am I bitter - hell yeah... but I'm working hard to free myself of this bitterness... you see anger, frustration and bitterness make the doctors of the world think you need medication. I don't need their medication - I need my life back - which brings us to moving on... time to get over all shit or at least start shoveling myself out. The beginning is taking care of myself hence the exercise and weight loss goals which are helping - although this week since I have doubled what I do my body isn't too happy with me. Eating less and more healthy has becomeso much easier without the anger, frustration and bitterness to drive my desire to comfort myself with food. Now I can comfort myself with the Lord, exercise, and curling up in my very comfortable bed - all by myself so I don't have to fight over the stupid blankets.

The next step in moving on I suppose is moving to a new town. Lots of memories here, can't go to the store without being confronted with former parents or students that I loved and taught and cared about. Time for a new beginning somewhere... the farther away from here of course the better, but family is here so I'm sure I will stay close. Family is important to me - I need my dad as much now as I did when I was 16... actually I probably need him more, his wisdom and his advice. And at 42 one can admit that they don't know anything, even if they thought they did know something. A new season of life - a new beginning and muscles that just think this sucks... at least for another week or so... they will adjust to their new life as will I.

Peace and Love,

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